I started distracting myself by talking with danoo about random things but she didn't get me.
Dana; 5awool shut up w goomi 5lna nslm
My heart was beating so fast
I heard his voice
The same exact voice I longed to her 1 year ago
Goose bumps were all over my body
Dana stood up
Dana; halla 3mair , twlhna 3laik
3afra stood up
3afra; el7mdllah 3l salama brooo!
And then it was me
Rf3t rasi and he was standing jdami
I looked at him with grief and sadness
My eyes got filled with tears
3mair; sh7alch 5awla
I didn't stand up , I didn't shake hands
Its was just a simple answer
5awla; b5air
He went and sat next to yadoo
He placed his arms around her and talked to her with a big smile
I don't how can he be so happy and selfish
I just hate him!
Shamma moved her place and sat next to 3mair
She placed her hands on his legs and looked at him
Bdat she whispers ashya2 fe ethnh and a kiss on the neck
I was doomed , I kept shaking , magdr :s , I can't do this!
Its hard
Seeing him become this HOT
Ensan jameel ya nass
He's not just hot
hoo jameel mashallah
Feeh jamal mb 6bee3i
Dana held my hands and looked at me
She felt that I was really sick of watching kl ha
I gave her a weak smile and assured her that I'm strong enough to look at them.
Shamma; t9dgoon banaat ! Hatha ur cousin wayd 3need -_- may3ybh shaaay walla!
Yadoo; hatha 3mair mn 9'3rh che
Who's she to be talking about him jdami :)!
Even though I was angry , I managed to smile to myself
Yes, 3mair is so stubborn
I looked down at my hands and a smile just appeared when they were talking about how he wants everything his way.
After a few seocnds , I raised my head again and he was STARING at me
But youm shfth 9ad el9oob elthani
Really 3mair?
Moza/3mair's mom; 5awla w 3afra w danoo mmkn tsa3dooni shwei
Dana: shu 5aloo
Moza; la bs aba help fl m6b5 shwei
We stood up and followed her
I felt such a relief that I left that room :)
-----
When she left , I couldn't even focus.
I need to keep looking at her
I miss her face and most importantly her smile.
She looks so innocent , I just want to hug her.
Shamma; 3mair ?
3mair: hmmm
Shamma; 5lna n6l3 br3 shwei nrms
3mair; enzen yalla
I just agreed so I can take a glimpse of her on the way outside
I opened the door and made shamma take the first step outside.
Followed her and we went to the big garden filled with beautiful flowers which we couldn't see because it was too dark.
My eyes were searching for her but they didn't find her
Shamma; 7bebi elyoum bnswi sleepover wya ur cousins
3mair; zain che tt3rfain 3laihm akthr
Shamma; bs hay 5wla a7sha mat7bni 3mair :(
Her name made my heart beat so fast
I looked at shamma not knowing what to say next
3mair; give her time
Shamma; I'm so excited , they seem nice w mashallah a7lahm dana
3mair; u think so?
Shamma; ya 5wla mb wayd 7lwa a9ln w 3afra y3ne jameela b3d
Wow, nobody dared to talk about "K" jdami ! And now she comes and says that my "K" is not even gorgeous !
3mair; bs 3ad shamma , shu tbain feehm a7eenh
I said that with a mad tone
She came close and grabbed my neck
I wouldve just pushed her but I don't want to hurt her
She's too nice wyay that I feel so mean
She looked into my eyes
Shamma; t3rf lain al7en we didn't have our first kiss
I was shocked. Usually us guyz would do that step but with me and shamma its different.
I have no feelings , I can't kiss her.
But she did! She did because she knew she had to do it , she did because she knew the me , 3mair , would never do it.
I know that shamma t7s enh our relationship is not that much loveeeeyyy but I try to make her feel secured about it.
I kissed her back.
-----
3afra; I hate her -,- 8hrttniiiiiiiiiiii b'3aait a9mha kaff -_-
Dana; 9aa7b shftu youm basth w mdri kaif , 9dg ma tst7i , enzeen mb jdaamna 3ad w jdam yadoo aham shay
3afra; t3rfeen daanoo , elyoum bnl3wzhaaa -.-
5awla; ayyh 3afoor :@ 7raam enzeen , 3shan 3mair bs nt7mlha
3afra; seeri zgii 5awool , ure supposed to be the first one to go " YES! 3afoor U GO GIRL! "
I laughed with dana :p
This girls is just too funnyy!
I kicked her ass
5awla; 5aaibh mb ass , ryooli 3wrtni
Dana; aham shay bl jlaabyh b3d 5awool tshotenha
She shaked her ass and got out of the kitchen , keeping me and danoo die out of laughter!
Dana; enty bs goolely habla wla habla hal ensanah
5awla; hahahahah
Dana; 5awool
5awla; shuu
She talked to me while preparing the wara8 3enab
Dana; how are u now? Is everything ok?
5awla; I feel ok but my heart hurts u know? he seems happy so I won't bother him
Dana; no he doesn't seem happy -_- kl shwei y6al3ch
I blushed and looked at her
5awla; walla?
Dana; yes 7beebti , he still wants you but he's stuck with her
5awla; ok? So I can't do anything , I can't hope for him to come back , I can't keep loving him knowing that he's with someone now and its official danoo
Dana; just keep in mind that he loved u no matter what!
5awla; all I need to know that I love him and I will keep loving him
3mair; loving who?
He entered with shamma holding his hands
W ana mn el9dmh g9aait eydy bl knifee
And let me tell u? I HATE BLOOD!
I started shaking and panicking!
Danoo; omg 5awool! Shu swaitii! Bseer byeblch hal dwa mal yadoo
He came so close that I could recognize it from his smell
3mair: matshoofen?
His breath all over my neck and shoulders
I was about to slap him , shu 8a9dh matshoofeen?! Why does he care a9ln!
5alwa; go away
He laughed and that made me more nervous!
5awla; ufffffff wainha dana!
3mair; enzen 5leeni ashoof?
5awla; 3maair GOOOM b3eed :( uffff
3mair; RAWEENI!
I gave him my hand and he started laughing again
I was about to take my hand away
3mair; sorry sorry
Shamma; its just a small cut 5awla!
3mair; traha daloo3a
Why is he doing this! Seriously! Yf'67ni jdamhaa
But when he touched my hand , the mad 5awla turned to the calm 5awla.
I looked at him and he looked back at me with a smile
I can't do this , w shamma jdami?
I can't have feelings for him , even though I hate that shamma creature , I have respect for myself!
I can't
I took my hands away and went to dana
5alwa; SNTAIN?
Dana; that was so cute da5l:(! '3abya u went away!
5awla; omg danoo mn el9b7 t6al3ain w madsheen u save me?
Dana; I couldn't
5awla; I almost died yal habla ! I hate u w b3daain 3aib enzeen w 7raam 7g shamma
Dana; shamma w shamma UFFF
5awla; give me that !
I took eldwa w rw7t
---
I followed her outside
She was walking so fast that I couldn't catch up
3maair; 5a woo l
She turned around
3mair; wait shwei
I ran to her and I grabbed her hand
3mair; sorry mb 8a9di a'67k 3laich bs u know its funny -,-"
5awla; no its not enzen w give me eydyy -,-"
3mair; why don't u take away ur hand
5awla; cuz ull shout and go like this " RAWEENI " it scares me
He smiled and I smiled too.
3mair: sm3t btswoon sleep-over
5awla; yaa .. With ur wife
It really hurts listening to her saying " ur wife "
3mair; yes my wife .....
She was silent for about 2 minutes
3mair; how are u
5awla; I was fine before u decided to show up
3mair; ouch?
5awla; seriously why do u have to come back! Why 3mair why
3mair; shu hal s2al 5awool , this is where I belong
5awla; I just.... like ..... I don't know !
3mair; well u seem ok
5awla; I seem ok? Are u fucking serious! I cried for months , I abandoned my family and myself, food and water didn't enter my system for weeks! What are u talking about 3mair? Enth ely u seem all happy
3mair; well I am happy
5awla; GOOD
3mair; I'm happy that I'm back.
she looked at me with confused eyes
3mair; I'm happy that ure here now.
5awla; well guess what , I seriously did moved on. I'm actually glad that shamma appeared!
She smiled and kept me speechless.
3mair; good then that's great.
5awla; yaa life is amazing!
3mair; it really is
I faked a smile
----
I lied and lied and lied.
5awla; well guess what , I seriously did moved on. I'm actually glad that shamma appeared!
I faked a BIG smile which I'm really good at!
He didn't say anything
Just silence!
3mair; good then that's great.
5awla; yaa life is amazing!
Goo 5awool! Perfect at lying !
3mair; it really is
I faked a smile AGAIN
31 March 2012
25 March 2012
O&K 10
Sorry for being always late , my spring break mb now :(
Enjoy my lovely readers:*
------
When I came back , everything was so true.
Like back then in USA , I was confident that I'm moving on but when I'm back here , it seems different.
It seems scary and nerve wrecking.
Mama was crying , 7mood kept talking about how much fun we'll have cuz I'm finally back.
They talked and talked
But I didn't listen , I had two phones.
One that I didn't dare to open
All our msgs are in that phone
Her pictures
Our fights
Our make ups
Mostly everything
The phone that I had with me in London had nothing to do with 5awla.
Just saying her name makes me feel bad.
She's my cousin , ill get to see her every now and then so I have to be ready for it.
M7md; yado will be thrilled!
Moza; hayh walllah , 7lailha she misses u A LOT !
3mair; I miss her too!
I smiled and they both smiled back.
I looked at the window next to me
My heart started beating so fast
I placed my hands on my heart
It was eager to be close to hers.
----
I was sitting with 3afoor and danoo
We became friends again -.- as usual
We fight and we get back to being ok
That's us (a)
Even though I was nervous and scared, I was excited too
I just miss his face and his laugh
His innocent smile
His flirty smirks
His eyes
His smell
Just everything
But who am I kidding? he doesn't want to see me
He wants to see her.
I feel broken and mad because he forgot about me in seconds.
When he told me he loved me ! What was it , a joke?
Was he lying just to make me feel good and have an excuse?
I don't know , I really don't.
I need to talk to him to understand but absolutely not
Our talks would be cousinly ONLY!
I worked so hard on myself , to get out of my comfort zone and I'm not giving it all up for a guy that is so full of himself and selfish.
For a guy that gave up on me so fast
I don't care if his mom said so
Or my dad said so
He needs to do something if he was all over me as he said he was.
AAAHH 5awool just stop thinking about it! Stop stop stop stop stop
Yup stop!
Yadoo came in and she smiled to all of us
wgfna w srnalha 3shan enslm 3laiha w nboos rasha
Yadoo; sh7alch 3afra
3afra; b5air yadoo
Yadoo; w danoo!
Dana; I'm great (a)
But when she turned to look at me , che she got mad fj2a
Yadoo; shu labsa 5awla:s
5awla; shu:s bn6loon w 8amee9!
Yadoo; goomi goomi bdli 3n eyech kaff a7eenh
I got so scared , its the first time she talks to me che!
I was literally shaking
I see her mad at others but never at me
Never at her only 5awool
5awla; shu yado ! Mn wain ayebli thyab enshallah w b3dain yadoo balach, mb awal mrh etshoofeni che
Yadoo; bs elyoum '3air , elyoum bayoon e5wan shamma 56eebt 3mair w wayd nas so go get change
5awla; aaah -.- a'3yr 3shanha y3ne w mno gal b6l3lhm
Yadoo; incase seeri '3yri! Shoofi 3afoor w dano labseen jlaleeb
5awla; wna wain a6l3li jlaabyh
Yadoo; seeri 3ndi wayd foog
I got really mad! Like super super mad
I left the room and got upstairs to get a fucking jlabyh just to make miss shamma and her brothers happy?
I grabbed a pink jalabiya that suited my heels
I looked at my reflection in the mirror
I have to admit , I look healthy compared to what I've been through
I look pretty (a) MASHALLAH! :p
Before leaving , I sat on the bed and checked my fone.
There were many msgs and bbm's that I didn't bother opening! I was secluded from the outside world for a long time and now its the moment to get back.
I updated my DP and wrote " 5awla AlX "
Smiled to the screen and slowly got downstairs.
----
3afra; guess what yado came up with
5awla; wtf is wrong with her today?
Dana; I knw-.-"! She's so mad
5awla; enzen w b3dain! Shu tbana nswi! Ntn8b?
3afra; no no something even worse :)
5awla; omg what can be worse?
Dana; a sleepover with shamma:)
5awla; NO WAY SHUT UP!
3afra; walla she came and told us youm rw7ti t'3yreen
5awla; well I'm not staying
Dana: u have to!
5awla; I don't want to
3afra; she's forcing us 5awool! W b3dain 7ram 3aib
5awla; what do u mean 7ram 3aib? Seriously 3afoor u know how I feel about this
3afra; 7ayati 5awool walla adri bs let's do it for yadoo! She will be so mad if we go against her will
5awla; please god save me ! Can this day get any better :D?!!!!
3afra; this little shamma! I wanna squeeze her
Dana; 7raam! Maybe she's nice! Ygoolon wayd 7lwa
I sat there listening and not joining that lame convo.
They were talking about shamma and 3mair as a couple and I don't mind. I know it hurts but I'm going to here their name a lot today so I have to suck it up!
I'm so confident about myself , I know I'm better and I can find a better person. I'm not ready for realtionships after all or am I?
With all of these thoughts , a group of women came in with yadoo.
We stood up and smiled
I faked faked faked a fucking smile
They were all like so happy and super excited
I wanted to pucnh them and kick their asses!
There was this thing ! Like a tiny creature that was shining! Seriously she was shining , feeling happy more than the others.
Maybe it was her , maybe it was that shamma.
w7dh; sh5barch
w7dh; sh7alch
w7dh; elsalam 3laikm
I just nodded and smiled.
I was eager to know which one was that Beeeyatch.
There was a small group of young ladies so it was hard to know which one is S.
Yadoo; hay amnaa um shamma , hay el7lwa shammoo! Hay rbee3tha salama , w hay ro'6a bnt 3amtha :)
Ro'6a; sh7aalkm banat
Dana; el7mdllah b5aair , nwrtu
Amna; elnoor noorkm wallah
Yadoo; this is 5awla , 3afra , and dana ! My young ladies
3afra; halla :D
Shamma; ahlain :D
Her voice was just too annoying! I wanted to strangle her.
I looked at her with disgust and hatred.
I almost cried walla but I reminded myself that no one can make me feel this way anymore.
Shamma; sh7alch 5awla
Guess she felt my weird stares
5awla; zaina
I stood up and headed to grab some tissue from the table
I sat down near the telvision and ignored them. Maba any kind of conversation wyahm
I wonder where mama and 5alo moza
Yadoo; 5awla t3ali
She gave me a death stare so I had to get up and head back there
Aaah yadddo :@ ure becoming annoying and mean and selfish and and and :@ AAH!
3afra; habla?
She whispered
5awla; I hate it here
I whispered
3afra; guess I'm not the only one , look at her! She's not even pretty
5awla; talk about being ugly
We laughed and salama stared at us
I went like WHAT! But it was weird.
3afra; '3abya tf'67een
5awla; a7bch :$
She smiled and I did too.
---
Everybody was so nice and welcoming.
E5wan shamma are so respectul mashalla.
But my mind and my heart wasn't with them at all
It was worried about what was happening out there
Did shamma meet 5awla?
How does 5awla feel?
Moza; mama 3mair , yalla enroo7 3nd shamma shwei enslm 3laiha.
I nodded and smiled
Got up and headed to the door with my mom
Um 5awool followed us
It felt creepy and weird
I don't want to get in there
I don't want to see my K after what? A year
How would I feel
How would I react
This is really really hard.
Moza: yadoo , 3mair bydsh
She said that before entering.....
----
When I head 5alo moza's voice , I literally started shaking
Ma3rft shu aswi, adsh el7maam wla bs ajablh w I get over it
Walla m3rf kaif at9rf jdamh wla shu agool
Wayd shay 93b w mgdr ashoofh
I just can't , its difficult
Maba a9ee7 , maba adm3 , maba galby y3wrni
Maba a7s eny I'm back to that place.
I know from the moment that his foot will step into this room
My feelings will change
I don't just know , I am a thousand percent sure it will.
That's the effect that 3mair had on khawla.
Poor poor me :)
Everyone started putting on their shailas
I did too, I don't know why , I never do , but this time I did.
Maybe that will make me feel more comfortable around him?
Idk -,- I just did !
Andd after 2 mins , that door got unlocked and he stepped in after his mom.
Enjoy my lovely readers:*
------
When I came back , everything was so true.
Like back then in USA , I was confident that I'm moving on but when I'm back here , it seems different.
It seems scary and nerve wrecking.
Mama was crying , 7mood kept talking about how much fun we'll have cuz I'm finally back.
They talked and talked
But I didn't listen , I had two phones.
One that I didn't dare to open
All our msgs are in that phone
Her pictures
Our fights
Our make ups
Mostly everything
The phone that I had with me in London had nothing to do with 5awla.
Just saying her name makes me feel bad.
She's my cousin , ill get to see her every now and then so I have to be ready for it.
M7md; yado will be thrilled!
Moza; hayh walllah , 7lailha she misses u A LOT !
3mair; I miss her too!
I smiled and they both smiled back.
I looked at the window next to me
My heart started beating so fast
I placed my hands on my heart
It was eager to be close to hers.
----
I was sitting with 3afoor and danoo
We became friends again -.- as usual
We fight and we get back to being ok
That's us (a)
Even though I was nervous and scared, I was excited too
I just miss his face and his laugh
His innocent smile
His flirty smirks
His eyes
His smell
Just everything
But who am I kidding? he doesn't want to see me
He wants to see her.
I feel broken and mad because he forgot about me in seconds.
When he told me he loved me ! What was it , a joke?
Was he lying just to make me feel good and have an excuse?
I don't know , I really don't.
I need to talk to him to understand but absolutely not
Our talks would be cousinly ONLY!
I worked so hard on myself , to get out of my comfort zone and I'm not giving it all up for a guy that is so full of himself and selfish.
For a guy that gave up on me so fast
I don't care if his mom said so
Or my dad said so
He needs to do something if he was all over me as he said he was.
AAAHH 5awool just stop thinking about it! Stop stop stop stop stop
Yup stop!
Yadoo came in and she smiled to all of us
wgfna w srnalha 3shan enslm 3laiha w nboos rasha
Yadoo; sh7alch 3afra
3afra; b5air yadoo
Yadoo; w danoo!
Dana; I'm great (a)
But when she turned to look at me , che she got mad fj2a
Yadoo; shu labsa 5awla:s
5awla; shu:s bn6loon w 8amee9!
Yadoo; goomi goomi bdli 3n eyech kaff a7eenh
I got so scared , its the first time she talks to me che!
I was literally shaking
I see her mad at others but never at me
Never at her only 5awool
5awla; shu yado ! Mn wain ayebli thyab enshallah w b3dain yadoo balach, mb awal mrh etshoofeni che
Yadoo; bs elyoum '3air , elyoum bayoon e5wan shamma 56eebt 3mair w wayd nas so go get change
5awla; aaah -.- a'3yr 3shanha y3ne w mno gal b6l3lhm
Yadoo; incase seeri '3yri! Shoofi 3afoor w dano labseen jlaleeb
5awla; wna wain a6l3li jlaabyh
Yadoo; seeri 3ndi wayd foog
I got really mad! Like super super mad
I left the room and got upstairs to get a fucking jlabyh just to make miss shamma and her brothers happy?
I grabbed a pink jalabiya that suited my heels
I looked at my reflection in the mirror
I have to admit , I look healthy compared to what I've been through
I look pretty (a) MASHALLAH! :p
Before leaving , I sat on the bed and checked my fone.
There were many msgs and bbm's that I didn't bother opening! I was secluded from the outside world for a long time and now its the moment to get back.
I updated my DP and wrote " 5awla AlX "
Smiled to the screen and slowly got downstairs.
----
3afra; guess what yado came up with
5awla; wtf is wrong with her today?
Dana; I knw-.-"! She's so mad
5awla; enzen w b3dain! Shu tbana nswi! Ntn8b?
3afra; no no something even worse :)
5awla; omg what can be worse?
Dana; a sleepover with shamma:)
5awla; NO WAY SHUT UP!
3afra; walla she came and told us youm rw7ti t'3yreen
5awla; well I'm not staying
Dana: u have to!
5awla; I don't want to
3afra; she's forcing us 5awool! W b3dain 7ram 3aib
5awla; what do u mean 7ram 3aib? Seriously 3afoor u know how I feel about this
3afra; 7ayati 5awool walla adri bs let's do it for yadoo! She will be so mad if we go against her will
5awla; please god save me ! Can this day get any better :D?!!!!
3afra; this little shamma! I wanna squeeze her
Dana; 7raam! Maybe she's nice! Ygoolon wayd 7lwa
I sat there listening and not joining that lame convo.
They were talking about shamma and 3mair as a couple and I don't mind. I know it hurts but I'm going to here their name a lot today so I have to suck it up!
I'm so confident about myself , I know I'm better and I can find a better person. I'm not ready for realtionships after all or am I?
With all of these thoughts , a group of women came in with yadoo.
We stood up and smiled
I faked faked faked a fucking smile
They were all like so happy and super excited
I wanted to pucnh them and kick their asses!
There was this thing ! Like a tiny creature that was shining! Seriously she was shining , feeling happy more than the others.
Maybe it was her , maybe it was that shamma.
w7dh; sh5barch
w7dh; sh7alch
w7dh; elsalam 3laikm
I just nodded and smiled.
I was eager to know which one was that Beeeyatch.
There was a small group of young ladies so it was hard to know which one is S.
Yadoo; hay amnaa um shamma , hay el7lwa shammoo! Hay rbee3tha salama , w hay ro'6a bnt 3amtha :)
Ro'6a; sh7aalkm banat
Dana; el7mdllah b5aair , nwrtu
Amna; elnoor noorkm wallah
Yadoo; this is 5awla , 3afra , and dana ! My young ladies
3afra; halla :D
Shamma; ahlain :D
Her voice was just too annoying! I wanted to strangle her.
I looked at her with disgust and hatred.
I almost cried walla but I reminded myself that no one can make me feel this way anymore.
Shamma; sh7alch 5awla
Guess she felt my weird stares
5awla; zaina
I stood up and headed to grab some tissue from the table
I sat down near the telvision and ignored them. Maba any kind of conversation wyahm
I wonder where mama and 5alo moza
Yadoo; 5awla t3ali
She gave me a death stare so I had to get up and head back there
Aaah yadddo :@ ure becoming annoying and mean and selfish and and and :@ AAH!
3afra; habla?
She whispered
5awla; I hate it here
I whispered
3afra; guess I'm not the only one , look at her! She's not even pretty
5awla; talk about being ugly
We laughed and salama stared at us
I went like WHAT! But it was weird.
3afra; '3abya tf'67een
5awla; a7bch :$
She smiled and I did too.
---
Everybody was so nice and welcoming.
E5wan shamma are so respectul mashalla.
But my mind and my heart wasn't with them at all
It was worried about what was happening out there
Did shamma meet 5awla?
How does 5awla feel?
Moza; mama 3mair , yalla enroo7 3nd shamma shwei enslm 3laiha.
I nodded and smiled
Got up and headed to the door with my mom
Um 5awool followed us
It felt creepy and weird
I don't want to get in there
I don't want to see my K after what? A year
How would I feel
How would I react
This is really really hard.
Moza: yadoo , 3mair bydsh
She said that before entering.....
----
When I head 5alo moza's voice , I literally started shaking
Ma3rft shu aswi, adsh el7maam wla bs ajablh w I get over it
Walla m3rf kaif at9rf jdamh wla shu agool
Wayd shay 93b w mgdr ashoofh
I just can't , its difficult
Maba a9ee7 , maba adm3 , maba galby y3wrni
Maba a7s eny I'm back to that place.
I know from the moment that his foot will step into this room
My feelings will change
I don't just know , I am a thousand percent sure it will.
That's the effect that 3mair had on khawla.
Poor poor me :)
Everyone started putting on their shailas
I did too, I don't know why , I never do , but this time I did.
Maybe that will make me feel more comfortable around him?
Idk -,- I just did !
Andd after 2 mins , that door got unlocked and he stepped in after his mom.
19 March 2012
O&K 9
I'm now in a place where I can't stand anyone.
I'm now in a place where I can't understand anything.
I'm now in a place where everything seems useless and retarded.
5awla; I SAID QUIT IT! I don't want to hear anything! Ure dancing like crazy having the time of your lives , clueless about the things that I'm going through.
They both looked at me , scared to move or talk.
I left the room and I spent the next two hours in yadoo's room. It was going to be hard , I know that I'm going to suffer , I know that I'm going to cry and isolate myslef mn el3alm , and I surely know that this pain would take weeks or months to heal.
At the end , I'll be forced to accept the fact that he belongs to another women. I have to move on and carry on being 5awla.
The weak 5awla. The innocent 5awla. The harmless 5awla.
Ill not try to hurt him or even think about taking revenge or RUINING his marriage
That's not 5awla even though I feel like stroking that shamma
I know that I'm not that girl.
I want him to be happy and live his life.
Maybe just maybe there's someone out there who's better for me , who suits me , who would be just perfect , who would make me and my FAMILY happy.
-----
*3mair*
3 weeks in America and let me tell you its been great.
The college is perfect, the people are friendly and social.
Its my place , its where I'm supposed to be.
I talk to m7md every 2 days, he updates me on elfamily w shu msween fe dbai bs he never brings her up so I don't bother asking.
When I came here , everything changed.
My way of thinking changed , like I'm kind of married now. I can't give her hopes and keep bringing her back to a place where she will suffer.
I called shamma and sorted things out.
I have no feelings to her at all but I respect her as a person.
She's funny , she's smart , and she's understanding.
Its not like I can't stand her and I can't live with her.
We can be together in the same house , I imagine us but I never imagine myself being inlove with someone other than 5awla.
5awla is my past , my present , and I hoped that she could be my future.
5awla would always have my heart , she would always be the one to make my heart beats so fast.
My heart belongs with her , I feel so bad that I can't give it to shamma.
I wouldn't dare to , my hearts home is between 5awla's arms.
Even though tfkeeri t'3yr , I'm still having doubts of going back
Will I have the strength to face her?
-----
Its been a year now , everything came back to normal.
My sobs and nonstop cries became tears and only tears.
Not getting enough sleep became a habbit and not because I'm in pain.
I go to uni , I eat , I drink , and I smile :)
A big imrpovement I would say.
3afra is happy , m7md is happy , and my parents are definitely happy.
Talking to guys and socializing is no longer impossible.
I have colleagues and classmates who are men. Respectful men.
'3yab 3mair taught me to be a strong woman.
It taught me that I can find happiness because there are people out there who cares about me and I don't need his love to be 5awla.
He should be coming back any time this week.
I've been practicing and waiting for this moment.
I'm scared that I would collapse and cry , I'm scared that I would get back to that gloomy scary place where nothing seems important.
What should I say, should I hug him? Or should I shake his hand? Or do nothing just say hi.
It would be awkward , it would feel embrassing.
I don't want to have feelings when I see him
I don't want to feel crushed again , I need to be normal.
Akeed he got over with it , he has a rebound I don't.
He has a women who he has to take care of but no one needs to take care of me.
Its my big loss here not his.
He never said good-bye before leaving
No text no calls not even a small thing with m7md nothing.
That broke my heart but he's moving on so why should I be stuck in this misery?!
------
* Moza is 3mair's mom, I think I mentioned it bs maybe nsaitu:p *
M7md; 5aloo bteen wla shu? Tra mt25reen 3la elrayal n7n!
Moza; walla 7mood ana mtbhdla! Its too much work! The dinner that's gonna happen after his return and somebody has to grab shamma to meet yadoo and the family!
M7md; enzeen yadoo t3rf shu tswi ! Don't worry just come downstairs and let's go to the airport.
Moza; maryyy! Don't forget to give the driver the food and other things I told u to take to yadoo's
For the millionth time , 5alo moza repeated that to her maid.
I don't know why she's worrying that much! I know she miss 3mair but she doesn't have to freak out.
Shamma will be there
Yadoo knows the plan
I guess everything will go with the flow.
I turned on the engine and she came in.
Moza; walla sam7ni 7mood , mno 3ndi '3airk!
M7md; la 3adii 5aloo 7beebti bs t25rna 3la 3mair wayd w t3rfen wldch may7b ytrya!
Moza; walla twlht 3la wldi
She smiled and I smiled back.
----
(Back at 5awlas house)
I was watching a series on TV , which I enjoyed a lot.
It was my first time and I didn't even know what's it about but I enjoyed it :)
Suddenly , u hear my mom screaming like crazy!
She nearly made my heart stop beating!
Ngzt mn mkani w I looked at her surprised
5awla; WHAT!
Mama; goomi goomi mt25reeen
She was walking by me , closing the tv
Mama; skri haa ! GOOMI 5awoool matsm3een
5awla; wain agoom mama:s shu feech
Mama; we need to go yalla !
5awla; what do u mean we need to go:s
Mama; bait yadoo yalla 5awla walla bythb7ooni
5awla; what:s I'm not going !
Mama; laish 3la kaifch!
5awla; mn mta t'39beni aseer 3nd yadoo mama! Ams kna 3ndhm! W mt'6arba wya 3afra so maba :)
Mama; seerri lbsi 5awla a7snlch! 3shan 5a6r 3mair enzen
And when I heard his name , everything seemed blurry and confusing!
Mama; byrd elyoum shu feech! Ma tbain tt3rfain 3la 56eebth 5awool! Yalla mama 3shani tra 7ram 5alo moza ! Wa3deenha n7n !
5awla; mama plz I don't want to go
Mama; 5awla shu feech! Mn mta che 3need
I stood up , threw the pillow and ran to my room
What she expects me to go and meet his fiance like nothing is wrong!
I don't want to see him! Why does he have to come back and ruin everything just why?!
I cried for the first time in what 8 months?
I cursed him and his bitch
I cursed and cursed and cursed!
But I'm done
I'm done crying
I'm done cursing
I'm done feeling bad
I'm done ignoring him
I'm done feeling SHITTY
I opened my closet
Grabbed anything amazing and got dressed
Put on make up
blow dried hair
DONE!
I'm doing this for me
You're doing this for you 5awla
You're gonna smile
Be happy
Get to know his fiance
And enjoy :)
I havt to just try my best to keep my heart at home and go their with my mind.
I'm now in a place where I can't understand anything.
I'm now in a place where everything seems useless and retarded.
5awla; I SAID QUIT IT! I don't want to hear anything! Ure dancing like crazy having the time of your lives , clueless about the things that I'm going through.
They both looked at me , scared to move or talk.
I left the room and I spent the next two hours in yadoo's room. It was going to be hard , I know that I'm going to suffer , I know that I'm going to cry and isolate myslef mn el3alm , and I surely know that this pain would take weeks or months to heal.
At the end , I'll be forced to accept the fact that he belongs to another women. I have to move on and carry on being 5awla.
The weak 5awla. The innocent 5awla. The harmless 5awla.
Ill not try to hurt him or even think about taking revenge or RUINING his marriage
That's not 5awla even though I feel like stroking that shamma
I know that I'm not that girl.
I want him to be happy and live his life.
Maybe just maybe there's someone out there who's better for me , who suits me , who would be just perfect , who would make me and my FAMILY happy.
-----
*3mair*
3 weeks in America and let me tell you its been great.
The college is perfect, the people are friendly and social.
Its my place , its where I'm supposed to be.
I talk to m7md every 2 days, he updates me on elfamily w shu msween fe dbai bs he never brings her up so I don't bother asking.
When I came here , everything changed.
My way of thinking changed , like I'm kind of married now. I can't give her hopes and keep bringing her back to a place where she will suffer.
I called shamma and sorted things out.
I have no feelings to her at all but I respect her as a person.
She's funny , she's smart , and she's understanding.
Its not like I can't stand her and I can't live with her.
We can be together in the same house , I imagine us but I never imagine myself being inlove with someone other than 5awla.
5awla is my past , my present , and I hoped that she could be my future.
5awla would always have my heart , she would always be the one to make my heart beats so fast.
My heart belongs with her , I feel so bad that I can't give it to shamma.
I wouldn't dare to , my hearts home is between 5awla's arms.
Even though tfkeeri t'3yr , I'm still having doubts of going back
Will I have the strength to face her?
-----
Its been a year now , everything came back to normal.
My sobs and nonstop cries became tears and only tears.
Not getting enough sleep became a habbit and not because I'm in pain.
I go to uni , I eat , I drink , and I smile :)
A big imrpovement I would say.
3afra is happy , m7md is happy , and my parents are definitely happy.
Talking to guys and socializing is no longer impossible.
I have colleagues and classmates who are men. Respectful men.
'3yab 3mair taught me to be a strong woman.
It taught me that I can find happiness because there are people out there who cares about me and I don't need his love to be 5awla.
He should be coming back any time this week.
I've been practicing and waiting for this moment.
I'm scared that I would collapse and cry , I'm scared that I would get back to that gloomy scary place where nothing seems important.
What should I say, should I hug him? Or should I shake his hand? Or do nothing just say hi.
It would be awkward , it would feel embrassing.
I don't want to have feelings when I see him
I don't want to feel crushed again , I need to be normal.
Akeed he got over with it , he has a rebound I don't.
He has a women who he has to take care of but no one needs to take care of me.
Its my big loss here not his.
He never said good-bye before leaving
No text no calls not even a small thing with m7md nothing.
That broke my heart but he's moving on so why should I be stuck in this misery?!
------
* Moza is 3mair's mom, I think I mentioned it bs maybe nsaitu:p *
M7md; 5aloo bteen wla shu? Tra mt25reen 3la elrayal n7n!
Moza; walla 7mood ana mtbhdla! Its too much work! The dinner that's gonna happen after his return and somebody has to grab shamma to meet yadoo and the family!
M7md; enzeen yadoo t3rf shu tswi ! Don't worry just come downstairs and let's go to the airport.
Moza; maryyy! Don't forget to give the driver the food and other things I told u to take to yadoo's
For the millionth time , 5alo moza repeated that to her maid.
I don't know why she's worrying that much! I know she miss 3mair but she doesn't have to freak out.
Shamma will be there
Yadoo knows the plan
I guess everything will go with the flow.
I turned on the engine and she came in.
Moza; walla sam7ni 7mood , mno 3ndi '3airk!
M7md; la 3adii 5aloo 7beebti bs t25rna 3la 3mair wayd w t3rfen wldch may7b ytrya!
Moza; walla twlht 3la wldi
She smiled and I smiled back.
----
(Back at 5awlas house)
I was watching a series on TV , which I enjoyed a lot.
It was my first time and I didn't even know what's it about but I enjoyed it :)
Suddenly , u hear my mom screaming like crazy!
She nearly made my heart stop beating!
Ngzt mn mkani w I looked at her surprised
5awla; WHAT!
Mama; goomi goomi mt25reeen
She was walking by me , closing the tv
Mama; skri haa ! GOOMI 5awoool matsm3een
5awla; wain agoom mama:s shu feech
Mama; we need to go yalla !
5awla; what do u mean we need to go:s
Mama; bait yadoo yalla 5awla walla bythb7ooni
5awla; what:s I'm not going !
Mama; laish 3la kaifch!
5awla; mn mta t'39beni aseer 3nd yadoo mama! Ams kna 3ndhm! W mt'6arba wya 3afra so maba :)
Mama; seerri lbsi 5awla a7snlch! 3shan 5a6r 3mair enzen
And when I heard his name , everything seemed blurry and confusing!
Mama; byrd elyoum shu feech! Ma tbain tt3rfain 3la 56eebth 5awool! Yalla mama 3shani tra 7ram 5alo moza ! Wa3deenha n7n !
5awla; mama plz I don't want to go
Mama; 5awla shu feech! Mn mta che 3need
I stood up , threw the pillow and ran to my room
What she expects me to go and meet his fiance like nothing is wrong!
I don't want to see him! Why does he have to come back and ruin everything just why?!
I cried for the first time in what 8 months?
I cursed him and his bitch
I cursed and cursed and cursed!
But I'm done
I'm done crying
I'm done cursing
I'm done feeling bad
I'm done ignoring him
I'm done feeling SHITTY
I opened my closet
Grabbed anything amazing and got dressed
Put on make up
blow dried hair
DONE!
I'm doing this for me
You're doing this for you 5awla
You're gonna smile
Be happy
Get to know his fiance
And enjoy :)
I havt to just try my best to keep my heart at home and go their with my mind.
10 March 2012
O&K 8
I left the beach house and got into the car , I couldn't drive. My body couldn't react properly to all of this. It was heart breaking to see 5awla cry hal kthr w mno m9y7nha! ANA!
UFF UFF UFF , I've hit the car more than once , my arm was turning into all shades of blue and purple.
The fact that me , 3mair , is getting married che mb yalsa edsh mu5i. I've always thought that I'd be the last one to and the girl would be chosen by me not be forced by my mother.
Even the thought of getting married made me think about 5awla, how can life be that cruel.
I'm a man and I don't know what to do. I feel weak and useless, I feel broken and humiliated , I feel that I just wanna shut my eyes and never wake up.
My phone started ringing again , I picked it up and it was shamma.
3mair; shu tbain enty shu tbain!!!
Fraait elfone w I got into the car. I rested my whole body against the seat and I closed my eyes.
I closed my eyes to feel safe for once
I closed my eyes to feel good for once
I closed my eyes to release all the pain that is inside of me
But a knock on the car's window made me open my eyes and distracted again.
It was m7md.
I've unlocked the car so he got up into the front seat next to me.
He looked at me with nothing to say.. What would he say y3ne?
3mair; 5ala9 '6a3t mn eydy 7mood
M7md; shoof 7altk 3mair ! Allah y5leek shoof shklk ! Hatha rayal! Et7ml koon gwii! Lw enth che 7altk , kaif 5awla?!
3mair; 7mood bs eskt! D5eelk enchab tra 7alti mool mb s"hla walla ! Yals atg63 mn da5l !
M7md; goom , 5lni asoog
We got up and switched places , I took out a cigarrate to smoke.
I feel like life is not even worth living anymore. Smoking would make me feel better.
M7md; rdaina ? W mn mtaa edoo5 3mair
3mair; mn elyoum 7mood mn elyoum 5ala9 mayhmni shay
M7md; ya5ii be a man for once !
3mair; la ttflsf 3lai l2nh 9dg mb mtfyj bksr elsyarah 3laik:@
He didn't reply , he drove with absolute silent.
3mair; a7bha m7md a7bha , galby y3wrni ya rayal..
He also ignored , how can he understand when he can't even feel my pain.
--
*3afra*
3afra; ya raby 5awool ehdai!
5awla; kaif ahda kaif :( a7bhhhh 3afoor a7bhh :( walla el3'6eem a7bh! Mat5yl 7yati bdoonh! Ana astaans l2nh ho mwjood:( bdoonh ma aswa shay wallah
She kept crying and crying , I was hugging her and trying to calm her down bs mashay fayda mn hal bnt
Jsmha kan yntf'6 ! 7raartha nar w mb ra'6ya 7ta trgd.
She would call his name every now and then and say that she loves him mn kl galbha
7altha 5ltnii at3wr nfsyn. Mgdr ashofha che ! Hay 5awool! She would always smile and act happy , she never did this! Its really uncomfortable to see her like this w ma3rf shu aswi!
M3rf kaif at9rf ,,,
I picked up my fone and I called m7md
--
Trrrn trrrn trrn trrrn
M7md; ha 3afoor tt9l.
He grabbed my attention , I looked at him and waited for him to talk and say anything!
M7md: aloo
3afra; aloo 7mood el7gni!
M7md; balach:s
3afra: wayd yalsa et9e7 7mood wna m3rf shu aswi! Che yalsa trtjf w 7rartha mrtf3a w kl shwei etgool esmh
M7md; ooh 9dg allah kash5a w b3dain
3afra: wtf 7mood! OOH is he next to you?
M7md; hayh hayh , fl thlaja foog btlgain elchocolate,
3afra: ok RANDOM haha bs please come back soon , 5ayfh.
M7md; enshallah yalla t9b7en 3la 5air.
3afra; gn:**
I looked at him , waiting for an explanation che enh what's happening but he gave me none.
3mair; shu tgool 3afra?
M7md; matgool shay..
3mair; 3yal laish mt9la?
M7md; ts2lni 3n el7alawa mal ams
3mair; enzen w ma galat shay 3n 5awla?
M7md; oh la 5awla is fine , sleeping
3mair; ohh ..
We arrived at my home , I said goodbye to m7md. He placed my car in the garage and took a cab back to the beach house.
D5lt elbait w 7mdt rabi enh elwalda ma kanat mwjooda t7t!
I don't want to see her or even talk to her.
I just want to travel and stay away from her
I went up the stairs slowly , hoping that she wouldn't be around
Moza/MOM; 3mair..
But she would appear like always :)
I turned around and looked at her.
Moza; mthl el7rami edsh elbait
I didn't reply , I just looked at her as if " w b3dain ?"
I love my mom , I really do love her but she became crazy l draja enh ma t'th8 feeni ka rayal!
Moza; laish ma trd 3la shamma?
3mair; OHOO WNA KL MA BSWI SHAY BTOON T7ASBOONI
Moza; GA9ER 9OOTK!
3mair; enzen ma rdait 3laiha .. B3dain?
Moza; et9l feeha elbnya t7ateek
3mair; enshalla.
I turned the other way so I can continue to go back on the stairs and head to my room but ..
Moza; ehtm feeha 3mair tra elbnya t7ba w sharytnk
3mair; walla ana mabaha w ma7ba w m7d 6elab mnch etswen shay ana mb ra'6i 3laih. Ana che wyaha mb 3aybnha kaifha
Moza; 5rbt rask bnt rashed ha? Jlbtk 3laina ha? W9lt feek elmwa9eel enh trf3 9ootk 3lai w t3andni 3mairo
3mair; mama please enty t3rfen ana aba mno w t3rfen laish che yals aswi
Moza; bs 5awla ma tnf3lk ! N7n shamma mn 9'3rk nbaha 7gk! Ma t'thkrha!
3mair; la ma athkrha wla aba athkrha ok?
Moza; 3mair 3shani mama bs 7awl ttfa3l wyaha
3mair; MAMA esm3eeni ana ma7bha !!!!!!
Moza; bt7bha
3mair; mno galch ! Ana galby ma yba '3air 5awla!
Moza: rdaina! 5awla w 5awla! Yl3n youmha
3mair; MAMA 3n el'3l6 bs ! Glti e56bha w 56bnaha , rmsha w rmsnaha now mmkn t5leni fe 7ali! La t5afain bntzwj :)
Moza; hayh che zain :) hatha 3mair
3mair; t9b7en 3la 5air
I headed to my room , locked the door , and layed on my bed.
Shu t5rf hay mama , how come mn 9'3ri abaha wna 7ta ma3rfha
Ya allah. Mno shamma hay:s mta shayfnha ana :s
And it starting getting back to me...
Does she mean that shamma :O oh it couldn't be
That tiny shamma :s
The shamma that I used to joke at and throw things at.
The shamma that we would go to every friday after lunch @ yadoo's with 5awool, 3afoor, and 7mood.
I smiled at the memories and how I was so clueless
But they disappeared fj2a, I don't remember them growing up.
Shamma is a family friend . Her father is my father's bestfreind.
When it started getting to me , it made me hate our marriage even more.
I don't want to hurt a person that I care about.
Shamma was a childhood friend.
I started searching for my phone but remembered that it was thrown and damaged god knows where.
Tommorow would be your last day here 3mair, your last day so just go with it.
You would sleep and next day you'd find yourself in the airplane on your way to america for 2 years.
----
3afra; 5AWOOL BS!
M7md; 5awla esm3eeni baba , shoofi , 3mair is fine , you should be fine too!
5awla; GO OUT! Mabakm
3afra; I'm not leaving you like this 5awla!
I was crying over my lost stupid love , I was crying over my broken heart and my messed up feelings.
Why can't O&K work out why? What's so wrong and stupid about us?
I just want an answer , an answer that would make me go "oooooh" an answer that would erase the pain from my heart.
I sat down on the couch and hugged the pillow , closed my eyes , and ignored their yells and stupid advices about 3mair.
I know they think I'm acting like a kid but they don't understand a thing , they don't feel a thing , they didn't go through this shit ! I did , its all me over here.
I've been this innocent girl, protecting myself from all these mad men out there , I've been so goood , I've been loyal to my god and to my family even my friends.
How can such a cruel thing happen to me?
I don't think I deserve that much pain. Its unfair!
I closed my eyes, hoping just hoping that tommorow I would wake up and all of this would be a dream.
Ya 5sara ya 7beebi ya 3mair '6a3t b 7ubk sneeni.
-----
*3mair*
I woke up the nest day feeling like a mess. I have no phone , my bag is not packed and I don't even feel like traveling.
I sat on my wooden chair , grabbed a piece of paper and a black pen.
I wrote for her , I can't go without saying anything.
Today is friday so akeed 7mood byrw7 bait yadoo and shell be there.
I thought before leaving , giving this letter to m7md and hed give it to her.
It went like this ;
5awooli , 7ayati , 3mry ,
Yes, I may be leaving you for a while and I may return and not find the chance to talk to you alone but you need to know that my heart will always belong with you. Its been with you for so long and it can't beat for any other person. Take care 7beebti w la t'6aygain 3shani maybe its for the best. Enty adra eny a7bch w enh m7tajnch fe hal ftra toogfeen wyay bs eldnya frgtna. Frgt ethnain malhm thanb. La tnsaini, 76i nfsch mkani 5awool, tra 93ba w 7alah tksr elgalb. wya hal letter b36i 7mood my hoddie ely wayd et7beenh so 5leh 3ndch. Atmna walla enh dnyti etkoon doom wyach. Galby tmnach w b'3ach , mlkti galby walla w mb 3arf kaif che a5lech 7g '3airy. Aba a7s b lthat el7ub wyach w bs wyach. A6l3 chthaab w chthaab w chthaab lw youm glt eny mabach, walla chathab 5awla. W don't do things I don't approve of , mb ana mb mwjood etseren etswen ashya ana ma7bha , e3tbrai eny mwjood y3ne mb kl shwei t6l3een w rb3ch w mdri shu. Maaw9ech 3la roo7ch w bs , shu agool b3d 5awool . Ely fe galby wayd wayd bs ma b6wl 3laich.
a7bch , a7bch , a7bch ,
- 3mair
I kissed the letter and headed to the shower.
After the shower , I placed any extra things I need into the bag and headed downstairs.
I heard mama's voice wna nazl mn elstairs.
I kissed her head and said my good-bye to her
She started crying and saying that she's sorry for being mean and strict but that would be better for me.
Moza; 9dgni 3mair tra 5awla ma tnasbna
3mair; la eteben 6areha mama w 5ala9.
Moza; enzen la tnsa tt9l fe shamma 3shani mama
3mair; telfooni farnh mkan w '6ay3
Moza: walla w ana kaif brmsk wnth hnak?
3mair; la a7eenh fl m6ar ba5thli fone w 3ndi ra8am already so bs b6rshlch msg
Moza; ok mama
I called m7md from the bait phone
M7md; 9ba7 al5air
3mair; ay 5air
M7md; tfaa2l -.-
3mair; enzen yalla wiank?
M7md; yalla b3d 5 dgayg e6l3
3mair; bye
I closed the fone , grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen , took a bite while waiting for m7md.
He came after 15 minutes , I got into the car and the maid placed the bag fl dabah
3mair; mtt mn el7ar ! 5 mins wyahk!
M7md; za7ma enzen shu asweelk
He drove , I took out the letter and gave it to him
3mair: 36ha haa w elhoddie plz
He took the letter and kept it in his pocket
He threw the hoddie wra
3mair; mb tnsa 7mood
M7md; ok
I looked at the streets of dubai , I would miss my country w 59oo9an eny mt3lg feha. Ma7b asafr l2nh mashay mthl dbai fl dnya. Everything is around u and u can go anywhere and enjoy.
We arrived , I took my bag , hugged my bro , and headed to america.
-----
After giving 3mair a ride to the airport , m7md headed to his grandma's house where the family would always meet.
Its the first time he goes there without 3mair. It feels weird and he feels lonely without his best man but this is life.
Before stepping out of the car , he grabbed the hoddie and went inside.
He greeted everyone and kissed his yadoo's head.
Moza; ha m7md ! W9lt 3mair?
M7md; hayh 5alo w gal by6rshlch ra8mah
Moza; zain 7beebi
Yadoo: walla w bntwlh 3laik ya 3mair w 3la 7rkaatk ! Sntaian bdoonh t9dgoon walla mb shay! Hoo y7li eljaw hni! Fdait wldi walla ana
M7md; wna yadooh shu enshallah! Decore?
Everyone laughed but 5awla teared.
Everyone smiled but 5awla frowned.
I looked at 5awla and my heart ached for my poor cousin.
She kept looking at the hoddie, and I had to do something with it.
I won't give it to her , no I won't . She just needs to forget
M7md; 5alo moza , 3mair nasi haa fl syarah
Moza; shkrn 7mood.
She took the sweater and 5awla's face changed colors.
I knew she wanted that, she expected it to be hers but no it wasn't.
I broke a promise to 3mair but that shouldve happened.
I'm not giving her that letter either , shee needs to stop thinking about him.
5awla's sad face grabbed everyone's attention , they knew she was attached to him.
Yadoo; t3ali 5awla
5awla stood up and went to her yadoo, she cried in her arms and yadoo couldn't do anything about it. 3mair is gone anyways.
Moza; bs 9ya7 la ! 7g drasth b3d shu! Yalla nt'3da?
Yadoo gave 5aloo moza a mad look and 5alo moza shreiked.
------
I kept looking at m7md , hoping that hed grab my arm , take me b3eed 3nhm and say anything about him but he didn't.
He didn't say anything to me.
I felt lonely by the second.
I went looking for the girls so I headed upstairs.
I opened the door and I saw dana and 3afoor dancing like crazy
The sound of rashed almajed filling the room
Dana; 5loooh 3la kaifh ydwrr '3airrry yrtaa7 w artaa7 ana mn tfkeeri!
3afra; ma fad la 7uby w la t8derri mabeeh 7ta lw t3na w jaanii
Dana; 3ashawwww 3ashaaaawww
3afra; ma7booooobi mshaa w 5laaani
Dana+3afoor; yoooo daaaan yoo daaaanh waa daaanh daaaaniii yoo daaaaan ahaaa ahaaa
Dana; ymeeeeen , ysaaaar
They were moving like crazy :s the music was so loud that they didn't notice me coming in
Dana; walllaa shklh mn elbdayaaa 5aaynn!
3afra; 5daaa3 yaa danooo! Mafe shay fe 3ainh baayn
How could they do this?! I'm crying and suffering and dying here w they leave me alone and go dancing! Listening to stupid music!
I coudlnt handle it
5awla; QUIT THE MUSIC!
I screamed.
UFF UFF UFF , I've hit the car more than once , my arm was turning into all shades of blue and purple.
The fact that me , 3mair , is getting married che mb yalsa edsh mu5i. I've always thought that I'd be the last one to and the girl would be chosen by me not be forced by my mother.
Even the thought of getting married made me think about 5awla, how can life be that cruel.
I'm a man and I don't know what to do. I feel weak and useless, I feel broken and humiliated , I feel that I just wanna shut my eyes and never wake up.
My phone started ringing again , I picked it up and it was shamma.
3mair; shu tbain enty shu tbain!!!
Fraait elfone w I got into the car. I rested my whole body against the seat and I closed my eyes.
I closed my eyes to feel safe for once
I closed my eyes to feel good for once
I closed my eyes to release all the pain that is inside of me
But a knock on the car's window made me open my eyes and distracted again.
It was m7md.
I've unlocked the car so he got up into the front seat next to me.
He looked at me with nothing to say.. What would he say y3ne?
3mair; 5ala9 '6a3t mn eydy 7mood
M7md; shoof 7altk 3mair ! Allah y5leek shoof shklk ! Hatha rayal! Et7ml koon gwii! Lw enth che 7altk , kaif 5awla?!
3mair; 7mood bs eskt! D5eelk enchab tra 7alti mool mb s"hla walla ! Yals atg63 mn da5l !
M7md; goom , 5lni asoog
We got up and switched places , I took out a cigarrate to smoke.
I feel like life is not even worth living anymore. Smoking would make me feel better.
M7md; rdaina ? W mn mtaa edoo5 3mair
3mair; mn elyoum 7mood mn elyoum 5ala9 mayhmni shay
M7md; ya5ii be a man for once !
3mair; la ttflsf 3lai l2nh 9dg mb mtfyj bksr elsyarah 3laik:@
He didn't reply , he drove with absolute silent.
3mair; a7bha m7md a7bha , galby y3wrni ya rayal..
He also ignored , how can he understand when he can't even feel my pain.
--
*3afra*
3afra; ya raby 5awool ehdai!
5awla; kaif ahda kaif :( a7bhhhh 3afoor a7bhh :( walla el3'6eem a7bh! Mat5yl 7yati bdoonh! Ana astaans l2nh ho mwjood:( bdoonh ma aswa shay wallah
She kept crying and crying , I was hugging her and trying to calm her down bs mashay fayda mn hal bnt
Jsmha kan yntf'6 ! 7raartha nar w mb ra'6ya 7ta trgd.
She would call his name every now and then and say that she loves him mn kl galbha
7altha 5ltnii at3wr nfsyn. Mgdr ashofha che ! Hay 5awool! She would always smile and act happy , she never did this! Its really uncomfortable to see her like this w ma3rf shu aswi!
M3rf kaif at9rf ,,,
I picked up my fone and I called m7md
--
Trrrn trrrn trrn trrrn
M7md; ha 3afoor tt9l.
He grabbed my attention , I looked at him and waited for him to talk and say anything!
M7md: aloo
3afra; aloo 7mood el7gni!
M7md; balach:s
3afra: wayd yalsa et9e7 7mood wna m3rf shu aswi! Che yalsa trtjf w 7rartha mrtf3a w kl shwei etgool esmh
M7md; ooh 9dg allah kash5a w b3dain
3afra: wtf 7mood! OOH is he next to you?
M7md; hayh hayh , fl thlaja foog btlgain elchocolate,
3afra: ok RANDOM haha bs please come back soon , 5ayfh.
M7md; enshallah yalla t9b7en 3la 5air.
3afra; gn:**
I looked at him , waiting for an explanation che enh what's happening but he gave me none.
3mair; shu tgool 3afra?
M7md; matgool shay..
3mair; 3yal laish mt9la?
M7md; ts2lni 3n el7alawa mal ams
3mair; enzen w ma galat shay 3n 5awla?
M7md; oh la 5awla is fine , sleeping
3mair; ohh ..
We arrived at my home , I said goodbye to m7md. He placed my car in the garage and took a cab back to the beach house.
D5lt elbait w 7mdt rabi enh elwalda ma kanat mwjooda t7t!
I don't want to see her or even talk to her.
I just want to travel and stay away from her
I went up the stairs slowly , hoping that she wouldn't be around
Moza/MOM; 3mair..
But she would appear like always :)
I turned around and looked at her.
Moza; mthl el7rami edsh elbait
I didn't reply , I just looked at her as if " w b3dain ?"
I love my mom , I really do love her but she became crazy l draja enh ma t'th8 feeni ka rayal!
Moza; laish ma trd 3la shamma?
3mair; OHOO WNA KL MA BSWI SHAY BTOON T7ASBOONI
Moza; GA9ER 9OOTK!
3mair; enzen ma rdait 3laiha .. B3dain?
Moza; et9l feeha elbnya t7ateek
3mair; enshalla.
I turned the other way so I can continue to go back on the stairs and head to my room but ..
Moza; ehtm feeha 3mair tra elbnya t7ba w sharytnk
3mair; walla ana mabaha w ma7ba w m7d 6elab mnch etswen shay ana mb ra'6i 3laih. Ana che wyaha mb 3aybnha kaifha
Moza; 5rbt rask bnt rashed ha? Jlbtk 3laina ha? W9lt feek elmwa9eel enh trf3 9ootk 3lai w t3andni 3mairo
3mair; mama please enty t3rfen ana aba mno w t3rfen laish che yals aswi
Moza; bs 5awla ma tnf3lk ! N7n shamma mn 9'3rk nbaha 7gk! Ma t'thkrha!
3mair; la ma athkrha wla aba athkrha ok?
Moza; 3mair 3shani mama bs 7awl ttfa3l wyaha
3mair; MAMA esm3eeni ana ma7bha !!!!!!
Moza; bt7bha
3mair; mno galch ! Ana galby ma yba '3air 5awla!
Moza: rdaina! 5awla w 5awla! Yl3n youmha
3mair; MAMA 3n el'3l6 bs ! Glti e56bha w 56bnaha , rmsha w rmsnaha now mmkn t5leni fe 7ali! La t5afain bntzwj :)
Moza; hayh che zain :) hatha 3mair
3mair; t9b7en 3la 5air
I headed to my room , locked the door , and layed on my bed.
Shu t5rf hay mama , how come mn 9'3ri abaha wna 7ta ma3rfha
Ya allah. Mno shamma hay:s mta shayfnha ana :s
And it starting getting back to me...
Does she mean that shamma :O oh it couldn't be
That tiny shamma :s
The shamma that I used to joke at and throw things at.
The shamma that we would go to every friday after lunch @ yadoo's with 5awool, 3afoor, and 7mood.
I smiled at the memories and how I was so clueless
But they disappeared fj2a, I don't remember them growing up.
Shamma is a family friend . Her father is my father's bestfreind.
When it started getting to me , it made me hate our marriage even more.
I don't want to hurt a person that I care about.
Shamma was a childhood friend.
I started searching for my phone but remembered that it was thrown and damaged god knows where.
Tommorow would be your last day here 3mair, your last day so just go with it.
You would sleep and next day you'd find yourself in the airplane on your way to america for 2 years.
----
3afra; 5AWOOL BS!
M7md; 5awla esm3eeni baba , shoofi , 3mair is fine , you should be fine too!
5awla; GO OUT! Mabakm
3afra; I'm not leaving you like this 5awla!
I was crying over my lost stupid love , I was crying over my broken heart and my messed up feelings.
Why can't O&K work out why? What's so wrong and stupid about us?
I just want an answer , an answer that would make me go "oooooh" an answer that would erase the pain from my heart.
I sat down on the couch and hugged the pillow , closed my eyes , and ignored their yells and stupid advices about 3mair.
I know they think I'm acting like a kid but they don't understand a thing , they don't feel a thing , they didn't go through this shit ! I did , its all me over here.
I've been this innocent girl, protecting myself from all these mad men out there , I've been so goood , I've been loyal to my god and to my family even my friends.
How can such a cruel thing happen to me?
I don't think I deserve that much pain. Its unfair!
I closed my eyes, hoping just hoping that tommorow I would wake up and all of this would be a dream.
Ya 5sara ya 7beebi ya 3mair '6a3t b 7ubk sneeni.
-----
*3mair*
I woke up the nest day feeling like a mess. I have no phone , my bag is not packed and I don't even feel like traveling.
I sat on my wooden chair , grabbed a piece of paper and a black pen.
I wrote for her , I can't go without saying anything.
Today is friday so akeed 7mood byrw7 bait yadoo and shell be there.
I thought before leaving , giving this letter to m7md and hed give it to her.
It went like this ;
5awooli , 7ayati , 3mry ,
Yes, I may be leaving you for a while and I may return and not find the chance to talk to you alone but you need to know that my heart will always belong with you. Its been with you for so long and it can't beat for any other person. Take care 7beebti w la t'6aygain 3shani maybe its for the best. Enty adra eny a7bch w enh m7tajnch fe hal ftra toogfeen wyay bs eldnya frgtna. Frgt ethnain malhm thanb. La tnsaini, 76i nfsch mkani 5awool, tra 93ba w 7alah tksr elgalb. wya hal letter b36i 7mood my hoddie ely wayd et7beenh so 5leh 3ndch. Atmna walla enh dnyti etkoon doom wyach. Galby tmnach w b'3ach , mlkti galby walla w mb 3arf kaif che a5lech 7g '3airy. Aba a7s b lthat el7ub wyach w bs wyach. A6l3 chthaab w chthaab w chthaab lw youm glt eny mabach, walla chathab 5awla. W don't do things I don't approve of , mb ana mb mwjood etseren etswen ashya ana ma7bha , e3tbrai eny mwjood y3ne mb kl shwei t6l3een w rb3ch w mdri shu. Maaw9ech 3la roo7ch w bs , shu agool b3d 5awool . Ely fe galby wayd wayd bs ma b6wl 3laich.
a7bch , a7bch , a7bch ,
- 3mair
I kissed the letter and headed to the shower.
After the shower , I placed any extra things I need into the bag and headed downstairs.
I heard mama's voice wna nazl mn elstairs.
I kissed her head and said my good-bye to her
She started crying and saying that she's sorry for being mean and strict but that would be better for me.
Moza; 9dgni 3mair tra 5awla ma tnasbna
3mair; la eteben 6areha mama w 5ala9.
Moza; enzen la tnsa tt9l fe shamma 3shani mama
3mair; telfooni farnh mkan w '6ay3
Moza: walla w ana kaif brmsk wnth hnak?
3mair; la a7eenh fl m6ar ba5thli fone w 3ndi ra8am already so bs b6rshlch msg
Moza; ok mama
I called m7md from the bait phone
M7md; 9ba7 al5air
3mair; ay 5air
M7md; tfaa2l -.-
3mair; enzen yalla wiank?
M7md; yalla b3d 5 dgayg e6l3
3mair; bye
I closed the fone , grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen , took a bite while waiting for m7md.
He came after 15 minutes , I got into the car and the maid placed the bag fl dabah
3mair; mtt mn el7ar ! 5 mins wyahk!
M7md; za7ma enzen shu asweelk
He drove , I took out the letter and gave it to him
3mair: 36ha haa w elhoddie plz
He took the letter and kept it in his pocket
He threw the hoddie wra
3mair; mb tnsa 7mood
M7md; ok
I looked at the streets of dubai , I would miss my country w 59oo9an eny mt3lg feha. Ma7b asafr l2nh mashay mthl dbai fl dnya. Everything is around u and u can go anywhere and enjoy.
We arrived , I took my bag , hugged my bro , and headed to america.
-----
After giving 3mair a ride to the airport , m7md headed to his grandma's house where the family would always meet.
Its the first time he goes there without 3mair. It feels weird and he feels lonely without his best man but this is life.
Before stepping out of the car , he grabbed the hoddie and went inside.
He greeted everyone and kissed his yadoo's head.
Moza; ha m7md ! W9lt 3mair?
M7md; hayh 5alo w gal by6rshlch ra8mah
Moza; zain 7beebi
Yadoo: walla w bntwlh 3laik ya 3mair w 3la 7rkaatk ! Sntaian bdoonh t9dgoon walla mb shay! Hoo y7li eljaw hni! Fdait wldi walla ana
M7md; wna yadooh shu enshallah! Decore?
Everyone laughed but 5awla teared.
Everyone smiled but 5awla frowned.
I looked at 5awla and my heart ached for my poor cousin.
She kept looking at the hoddie, and I had to do something with it.
I won't give it to her , no I won't . She just needs to forget
M7md; 5alo moza , 3mair nasi haa fl syarah
Moza; shkrn 7mood.
She took the sweater and 5awla's face changed colors.
I knew she wanted that, she expected it to be hers but no it wasn't.
I broke a promise to 3mair but that shouldve happened.
I'm not giving her that letter either , shee needs to stop thinking about him.
5awla's sad face grabbed everyone's attention , they knew she was attached to him.
Yadoo; t3ali 5awla
5awla stood up and went to her yadoo, she cried in her arms and yadoo couldn't do anything about it. 3mair is gone anyways.
Moza; bs 9ya7 la ! 7g drasth b3d shu! Yalla nt'3da?
Yadoo gave 5aloo moza a mad look and 5alo moza shreiked.
------
I kept looking at m7md , hoping that hed grab my arm , take me b3eed 3nhm and say anything about him but he didn't.
He didn't say anything to me.
I felt lonely by the second.
I went looking for the girls so I headed upstairs.
I opened the door and I saw dana and 3afoor dancing like crazy
The sound of rashed almajed filling the room
Dana; 5loooh 3la kaifh ydwrr '3airrry yrtaa7 w artaa7 ana mn tfkeeri!
3afra; ma fad la 7uby w la t8derri mabeeh 7ta lw t3na w jaanii
Dana; 3ashawwww 3ashaaaawww
3afra; ma7booooobi mshaa w 5laaani
Dana+3afoor; yoooo daaaan yoo daaaanh waa daaanh daaaaniii yoo daaaaan ahaaa ahaaa
Dana; ymeeeeen , ysaaaar
They were moving like crazy :s the music was so loud that they didn't notice me coming in
Dana; walllaa shklh mn elbdayaaa 5aaynn!
3afra; 5daaa3 yaa danooo! Mafe shay fe 3ainh baayn
How could they do this?! I'm crying and suffering and dying here w they leave me alone and go dancing! Listening to stupid music!
I coudlnt handle it
5awla; QUIT THE MUSIC!
I screamed.
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