O&K 9

I'm now in a place where I can't stand anyone.
I'm now in a place where I can't understand anything.
I'm now in a place where everything seems useless and retarded.

5awla; I SAID QUIT IT! I don't want to hear anything! Ure dancing like crazy having the time of your lives , clueless about the things that I'm going through.

They both looked at me , scared to move or talk.

I left the room and I spent the next two hours in yadoo's room. It was going to be hard , I know that I'm going to suffer , I know that I'm going to cry and isolate myslef mn el3alm , and I surely know that this pain would take weeks or months to heal.

At the end , I'll be forced to accept the fact that he belongs to another women. I have to move on and carry on being 5awla.
The weak 5awla. The innocent 5awla. The harmless 5awla.
Ill not try to hurt him or even think about taking revenge or RUINING his marriage
That's not 5awla even though I feel like stroking that shamma
I know that I'm not that girl.
I want him to be happy and live his life.
Maybe just maybe there's someone out there who's better for me , who suits me , who would be just perfect , who would make me and my FAMILY happy.

-----

*3mair*
3 weeks in America and let me tell you its been great.
The college is perfect, the people are friendly and social.
Its my place , its where I'm supposed to be.
I talk to m7md every 2 days, he updates me on elfamily w shu msween fe dbai bs he never brings her up so I don't bother asking.
When I came here , everything changed.
My way of thinking changed , like I'm kind of married now. I can't give her hopes and keep bringing her back to a place where she will suffer.
I called shamma and sorted things out.
I have no feelings to her at all but I respect her as a person.
She's funny , she's smart , and she's understanding.
Its not like I can't stand her and I can't live with her.
We can be together in the same house , I imagine us but I never imagine myself being inlove with someone other than 5awla.
5awla is my past , my present , and I hoped that she could be my future.

5awla would always have my heart , she would always be the one to make my heart beats so fast.
My heart belongs with her , I feel so bad that I can't give it to shamma.
I wouldn't dare to , my hearts home is between 5awla's arms.
Even though tfkeeri t'3yr , I'm still having doubts of going back
Will I have the strength to face her?
-----
Its been a year now , everything came back to normal.
My sobs and nonstop cries became tears and only tears.
Not getting enough sleep became a habbit and not because I'm in pain.
I go to uni , I eat , I drink , and I smile :)
A big imrpovement I would say.
3afra is happy , m7md is happy , and my parents are definitely happy.
Talking to guys and socializing is no longer impossible.
I have colleagues and classmates who are men. Respectful men.
'3yab 3mair taught me to be a strong woman.
It taught me that I can find happiness because there are people out there who cares about me and I don't need his love to be 5awla.
He should be coming back any time this week.
I've been practicing and waiting for this moment.
I'm scared that I would collapse and cry , I'm scared that I would get back to that gloomy scary place where nothing seems important.
What should I say, should I hug him? Or should I shake his hand? Or do nothing just say hi.
It would be awkward , it would feel embrassing.
I don't want to have feelings when I see him
I don't want to feel crushed again , I need to be normal.
Akeed he got over with it , he has a rebound I don't.
He has a women who he has to take care of but no one needs to take care of me.
Its my big loss here not his.
He never said good-bye before leaving
No text no calls not even a small thing with m7md nothing.
That broke my heart but he's moving on so why should I be stuck in this misery?!

------
* Moza is 3mair's mom, I think I mentioned it bs maybe nsaitu:p *

M7md; 5aloo bteen wla shu? Tra mt25reen 3la elrayal n7n!

Moza; walla 7mood ana mtbhdla! Its too much work! The dinner that's gonna happen after his return and somebody has to grab shamma to meet yadoo and the family!

M7md; enzeen yadoo t3rf shu tswi ! Don't worry just come downstairs and let's go to the airport.

Moza; maryyy! Don't forget to give the driver the food and other things I told u to take to yadoo's

For the millionth time , 5alo moza repeated that to her maid.
I don't know why she's worrying that much! I know she miss 3mair but she doesn't have to freak out.
Shamma will be there
Yadoo knows the plan
I guess everything will go with the flow.

I turned on the engine and she came in.

Moza; walla sam7ni 7mood , mno 3ndi '3airk!

M7md; la 3adii 5aloo 7beebti bs t25rna 3la 3mair wayd w t3rfen wldch may7b ytrya!

Moza; walla twlht 3la wldi

She smiled and I smiled back.

----

(Back at 5awlas house)

I was watching a series on TV , which I enjoyed a lot.
It was my first time and I didn't even know what's it about but I enjoyed it :)

Suddenly , u hear my mom screaming like crazy!
She nearly made my heart stop beating!
Ngzt mn mkani w I looked at her surprised

5awla; WHAT!

Mama; goomi goomi mt25reeen

She was walking by me , closing the tv

Mama; skri haa ! GOOMI 5awoool matsm3een

5awla; wain agoom mama:s shu feech

Mama; we need to go yalla !

5awla; what do u mean we need to go:s

Mama; bait yadoo yalla 5awla walla bythb7ooni

5awla; what:s I'm not going !

Mama; laish 3la kaifch!

5awla; mn mta t'39beni aseer 3nd yadoo mama! Ams kna 3ndhm! W mt'6arba wya 3afra so maba :)

Mama; seerri lbsi 5awla a7snlch! 3shan 5a6r 3mair enzen

And when I heard his name , everything seemed blurry and confusing!

Mama; byrd elyoum shu feech! Ma tbain tt3rfain 3la 56eebth 5awool! Yalla mama 3shani tra 7ram 5alo moza ! Wa3deenha n7n !

5awla; mama plz I don't want to go

Mama; 5awla shu feech! Mn mta che 3need

I stood up , threw the pillow and ran to my room

What she expects me to go and meet his fiance like nothing is wrong!
I don't want to see him! Why does he have to come back and ruin everything just why?!

I cried for the first time in what 8 months?

I cursed him and his bitch
I cursed and cursed and cursed!

But I'm done
I'm done crying
I'm done cursing
I'm done feeling bad
I'm done ignoring him
I'm done feeling SHITTY

I opened my closet

Grabbed anything amazing and got dressed
Put on make up
blow dried hair
DONE!

I'm doing this for me
You're doing this for you 5awla
You're gonna smile
Be happy
Get to know his fiance
And enjoy :)
I havt to just try my best to keep my heart at home and go their with my mind.